Are We Going to Home School?

I am the mom of a kid.  Not a toddler, not a preschooler, an actual kid. 

My husband and I have been calling our daughter a “big girl” ever since we started potty training, but for me at least, it’s always been more of a teaching tactic slash a term of endearment than it was an actual description of how I felt about her. But now… Well. She is a big girl. 

I know she’s not ready to go running with the ten year olds yet, but the more I watch her grow, the more I realize she is an actual kid now. It might sound dramatic to anyone whose children are actually big kids, but to me, as a mom experiencing all of this for the first time, it really does feel like something significant.

The reality of this new dynamic settled in overtime. It probably started shortly after our son was born - which of course is no surprise. Seeing Mai Rose next to her tiny baby brother filled me with pride and a sense of urgency. Mai was growing, and I needed to grow with her. She was headed toward the next step in her childhood. School.

But was I ready? The big question loomed in my mind for months.  Are we going to home school our children?

Jacob and I had a lot of things to consider. We were both committed to making this decision together but we knew in reality, the majority of home schooling would be left up to me. We questioned the quality of education in different approaches to schooling, we talked about money and time away from home, and considered the morals that would inevitably be taught, no matter how neutral any institution claims to be. Most of those things had an easy answer but still a lot of the debate swirled around in my own head. Could I even do it? 

Jacob has always believed that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to, but insecurity and self-doubt always find a way to creep in. I worried that if I were to home-school I would be so strung out and stressed that I wouldn't be a good mom anymore. I doubted my emotional capacity to handle it all. Especially with a newborn at the time. I was already stretched thin and adding homeschooling on top of that felt like I was headed towards self destruction leaving my family to suffer the consequences of my mental breakdown.

Talk about postpartum hormones.

For the majority of that first year with two children, I spent my time distracting myself. I dove into motherhood, fully investing myself in as many adventures, crafts, cooking, science experiments, and DIY’s as I could. I shared a lot of it on Instagram and it was a special time. Looking at it now, it probably was what I really needed.

Developing a strong connection with my children as now a mom of two began to build confidence in me. The sleepless nights of breastfeeding and the worries of sibling jealousy, all faded away. It seemed like just a moment but Volund was walking and my sweetest precious big girl was spelling words out loud in the air on her own and I knew it was time.

The very thing I was worried about, being a good mom, is the thing that got me over that worry. The moment Mai spelled those words in the back seat of the car, was the moment I knew my daughter needed more from me, and THAT was the moment I was ready to give more. 

So, here I am now armed with just a few Kindergarten books. You don’t need a lot of formal materials at this age and stage. I’ve found a local nature program to get involved with and have scouted out Mai Rose’s next gymnastics gym. I decided to wait another year before joining a co-op and to focus on settling into our own new routine first. As far as books go, I’m using Math with Confidence, the Kindergarten level, and I have an early phonics program that felt like it aligned with the way I’ve already naturally been teaching Mai. 

You could spend days debating on what curriculum to use but really one of the amazing things about homeschooling is that you can figure it out as you go along. You can make adjustments as you learn more about your own teaching style and your child’s learning style. That’s what home school is all about after all. It's a personal education where you decide what’s important for your family and children. 

Even though I’ve been talking about school, what I really want to share is this little bit of transformation in me. Parents are given such a huge responsibility. We raise and guard and shape the future of, okay yes, the world, but that feels a little abstract. We are shaping our actual living breathing children who we love with all our heart. It’s a job that goes beyond simply teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic, though I think the bigness of child rearing is usually pushed to the back of our mind. Most of the time I’m just thinking about how to raise children who are kind, resilient, confident, God-honoring, smart... but when school came up, it was like I had to think about it all over again and at least for me, it's really a bit scary to think of the sacred calling I have as a mom to instill all of this into their very being. What if I fail and homeschooling was the one thing that tips me over the edge? Is a home education worth possibly damaging my relationship with the kids?

As it turns out though, while driving in the car with Mai I just started to spell, and teach and smile. Maybe I had been overthinking this whole thing, or maybe I've thought about it just enough. I can do this.